Struggle

Everybody struggles against something. Something inside that threatens to consume them if left untethered. Sometimes, you think you have it under control. You think that you can actually survive without it, go on without it, live without it. But you're wrong. Temptation is always there, how do you fight it?

Just when you thought your life is going well, that you're leaving that hateful person you were behind - WHAM - you're back at square one. All the progress you've done means nothing once you succumb to your addiction, to your vices.

You sit there alone, awake and empty in the middle of the night. There is no one to help you, no one to hear you out, no one to comfort you. Because this demon within you is your own secret, nobody knows - and you have to deal with it yourself. But how do you fight against it? You're weak, pathetic, unworthy.

So what do you do after temptation overwhelms you? You grope your way back to the surface, slowly rebuild the life that you yearn piece by piece. The foundation is crumbling, the bricks loose, it is just stacked up poorly - an insignificant defense. Is it even worth continuing when such a facade is no match for the dark wave that is bound to wash over it, crushing all that you have built so far?

So what do you do? Do you sit there, resigned - letting the opressive wave crush you, carry you and define your life the way it wants. Or do you continue, strenghtening your building blocks each time, bracing yourself against the blow, forcing yourself for the sake of living?

What do you do?

Cherating Beach

So currently I'm chilling out at The Legend Resort's lounge at Cherating, leeching off their wi-fi. It's so relaxing here. All my murderous and violent thoughts are gone and I'm filled with an overwhelming desire for world peace and a banana split sundae. Beaches have that effect on you. I could spend infinity hours basking by the pool (away from the sun of course, sunburn is my worst enemy), letting the breeze run through my hair, breathing in the salty smell of the sea and letting myself indulge in silly daydreams. You tend to get very drowsy and lazy when exposed to the beach for too long, or maybe that's just my nature. Well, it's very close to paradise here and I can't wait to drag along a few friends for a much needed vacation here.

Trip Back To Terengganu - So Far So Good

Finally! A decent internet connection! Currently, I'm hanging out with my dad and sister at East Coast Mall's Starbucks, sipping on Toffee Nut Latte while shamelessly perusing their wi-fi for blogging purposes. I officially love my N82, now I can blog on the go, how cool is that?! Anyway, I travelled to Terengganu two days ago by bus. It was an uneventful journey but I was lucky enough to not have a passenger beside me. This means that I can sit like a trishaw rider without offending anyone, scratch myself at odd places without earning stern looks and hog the seats as much as I want. I whiled away the journey entertaining myself with vivid daydreams and music. I amused myself looking at the bizarre signboards in Kuantan too. Either the people here have a really weird sense of humour or a lack of creative juices because they came up with names such as HotMale Cafe (a cyber cafe), Tuisyen Adabi and Tuisyen Kambing. The last one had me laughing out loud! Do they educate young billy goats there or do they teach humans the way of the goat? Well, upon arrival at my home in Kemaman, I decided to do my dad some community service and bring the dogs for a walk and to satisfy the call of nature. It was terrible. X'ter the 2nd dragged me around the neighbourhood and pulled me into a puddle. I was screaming and running behind that donkey of a dog, hanging onto the leash for dear life. It didn't help that my sister was laughing her head off, I must have looked like a fool. The assault didn't stop there, Dusky stomped on my foot with his clawed paw and Ranger kept on showing me his butt. I feel so loved. The next day, we went for breakfast - fish noodle soup - one of my favourite dishes ever! It's only exclusive to seaside towns in the East Coast. It's simply delicious, hot steaming fish broth served with noodles of your choice, a plate of fish and fish crackers. Yummy! Needless to say, I've been eating a lot of fish here. One thing I've noticed is, there are so many tomyam restaurants here but fast food restaurants are a rarity. Interesting. There are also a lot of roadkill to be seen, I saw a dead cow. T_T Well, so far I'm enjoying myself. Hope to update soon. Happy Holidays everyone! ^_^

MPT6 Dinner

Something kookie is going on with my Friendster blog so I guess I'll just update the MPT6 blogpost here. We had our MPT6 Dinner yesterday, 13th of December at KGSSAAS's Pool Side. Although the attendance was poor and the party was FAR from happening, I did have fun because my closest friends were there. The theme of the night was Glamorous, therefore imagine my horrified bewilderment when I saw Varman wearing a pair of cargo pants, I was like, "What in blazes..?"

So anyway, this particular dude Varman was in for some surprises for the evening. He was supposed to be our ride for the Dinner but ditched us unceremoniously. Hence, we came up with a less than original plan to spike his drink with salt. I distracted him by pretending to ask him to get me some fruits when in fact I already had an unfinished plate on the table. Jaya dumped the whole contents of the salt shaker into his drink, leaving a lot of precipitate at the bottom. In accordance with the partition coefficient, the equilibrium between the salt and syrup has exceeded the constant of solubility causing the remaining salt to be undissolved. Zac proposed a toast, in pretense to get Varman to drink his tampered syrup. End of story, plan succeeded and we had a huge laugh. Shamu was literally choking with laughter.

The Lower Sixes had devised some methods of torture for us in the form of a treasure hunt and the much dreaded poison box game. Hmm, wait a minute, didn't we do the exact same thing for them during their orientation? Copycats! Get some originality-lah! My group which consisted of Jean, Jaya, Shamu, Seh Ming and Malik won the treasure hunt, we found nine items. We had to throw around a newspaper ball for the poison box game and honestly, the only fun part about that was the random throwing.

I got two gifts from the lucky draw and I scavenged a bowl from the treasure hunt prize. Basically, I just ended up with a lot of glassware. After the whole thing, we camwhored the night away, taking pictures with anybody and nobody. Although it was truly a boring event [come on, only one teacher attended which was Pn. Hasni - what does that tell you about how much we mean to the teachers?] it was made fun because of the company we had and the funny moments and crazy jokes throughout the night. Oh well, guess that was it for the MPT6 Dinner, just came and went. Hopefully we are able to plan a reunion event soon.

Family - Random Emo Post

I was hanging out with one of my best friends Lolly today after a shopping spree. [Yay, I've finally gotten all the things I need for my dinner, yay me! ^_^] Her dad and mom picked us up and we went shopping for paint and cement because they're renovating their house right now. We went to TTDI Jaya and a pang of dull sorrow throbbed through me as I caught sight of my school. [TTDI Jaya will always be MY school, SSAAS is just THE school - Hehe...] Anyway, this post is not about how much I miss my alma mater so I shall continue on. I hung out at Lolly's place for a while because haven't been there for oh-so-long, that place is practically my second home. Today is her parents' anniversary and a florist delivered a basket of flowers to her mother just as we were getting down from the car. [Her dad was struggling with this 50kg packet of cement but the florist who is so thin and small sized and is 62 years old just carried it selambe only - what a dude!] So yeah, went in for some tea and I actually had a good time chatting and laughing with them, I always do. I didn't realize that I was subconsciously disturbed until I reached home.

Basically, I started thinking about my own family. I admit it, I'm jealous. But not in a oh-I-want-to-wreak-havoc-on-you type of way, more of a I-want-it-too type of way. Her family is so normal and together and happy and her parents are so loving towards each other. It just made the fact that distance separates mine even more apparent. My parents are not divorced or anything, don't get me wrong. It's just that I moved here when I was in Standard Four for certain reasons and my dad stayed back in Terengganu to work. Things have just been like that ever since. Getting to see my dad is like a privilege not often to be had. But when I do see him, it's definitely one of the happiest moments of my life. Not that I'm not happy when I'm with my mom, she's awesome. Having both of them together at the same time is a phenomenal feeling.

Sometimes I wonder, if my dad was here with me all the time, maybe I wouldn't have turned out to be a juvenile delinquent when I was in secondary school. Maybe I would have been a better person, a more worthy person. It keeps bugging me, wondering what could have been. Family occasions are never complete, there's always something missing.

Maybe that's one of the reasons I love Terengganu so much, partially because of the beautiful white beaches, the scrumptious keropok lekor, the beautiful star-filled sky at night but mostly because my dad is there. Terengganu is the only place where I can ever feel like I belong in a family, it's the place where I feel happy and normal for once. Although I don't like it for a variety of reasons such as my allergy to dog hair kicks up when I'm there, it's eff-ing boring there, freaking hot or rainy most of the time, the shopping mall there is worse than PKNS, Streamyx sucks even more there etc. However, I'll endure it - no big deal.

My sister and mom left for Terengganu today, I'll be leaving myself in four days time but right now, I feel so lonely without my sister cracking lame jokes beside me. So unfair! They get to go before me... T_T
Sometimes I wonder what my dad feels, living there alone with those three humongous dogs to keep him company [Dusky, Ranger and X'Ter the 2nd]. He calls us every night through video call for about half an hour and we joke and laugh and all that. But at the same time, it's just his voice and face I'm seeing. I can't whack his round tummy or play with his balding hair [hopefully technology advances far enough to be able to allow contact through phones - right].

Well, I guess I'm feeling better now that I've blogged about it. I'm finally able to be honest with myself and let it all go. No more pretending to be okay and faking for me, I'm sick of that. Thankfully it won't be long before I join them at Terengganu, yay me! ^_^

P.S. Please do appreciate your family, no matter how annoying or pesky some of them may be. Life is short [cliche] so if you don't start appreciating them now, when will you?

P.P.S Owh gosh, look at me - I've turned into an emo-freak! Giving out advice on family bonds and ties kononnya. Okay okay back to normal already. Toodles!

T.I. - Whatever You Like

This song has been running through my mind like 24/7. I'll put it on my music player and listen to it for hours on end, it's my phone's message ringtone and I grab the Bim Bim at random moments and dance with him to this song. I love it! It's got an awesome tune although I don't get much of the lyrics. But yeah, "You can have whatever you like, you can have whatever you like, yeah~~~"

I don't in any way support the portrayal of a female in this video, it's too materialistic and gold-digger for me. It was funny though. Love it!