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http://joyheartslife.wordpress.com

P.S. My blogspot is neglected and only serves to allow me to comment on my friends' blogs.

Nana Kitade - Tsukihana

This is my new favourite song for emo sessions. Nana Kitade's Tsukihana is the Opening Theme for one of my favourite animes - Jigoku Shoujo Mitsuganae. When I first heard this song, I didn't quite like it. In fact, I always used to skip the opening and watch the anime straight away. It's strange how songs are able to grow on you after a while.

This is the original version of the song.



This is the Jigoku Shoujo Mitsugane's Opening version. [the volume is very loud, you might want to adjust your speakers beforehand]



Tsukihana

Yami to asobu hoshi-tachi e
Ai o utai yakitsukushite

Batsu o tomoshi hinagiku no
Yume ni yorisou tsume no ato

Kuchibiru kara kuchibiru e to tsutai
Sono nukumori wa doko e?
Tadoritsuku ate wa nai no ni

Anata de nakucha mitasenai
Watashi ja nakya yurusenakatta
Dakara watashi wa kono ashi de
Tachiagarete zottoshitan da

Kaigoroshi nara sukuwareru
Demo migoto ni kagi wa hazurete
Watashi wa maru de
Torikago o hoshite iru kurutta kotori

Uso o idaita hana

Sameta yubi de misukashite
Furete dakedo yogosanaide

Furikaeru to hitohira no
Hane ga kogetsuku ibaramichi

Maboroshi nara maboroshi o aishite
Asu de sae suterareru
Osoreru riyuu o oshiete

Anata ga nakucha ikirarezu
Kuchiru yoru o oikaketa no wa
Watashi o subete sono ude e
Ubai agete hoshikatta kara

Kedo seijaku ni tsutsumareru
Kisokuteki na iyashii kodou
Fuzaketa heya de
Tenbatsu o kazoete iru mimi o fusaide

Anata de nakucha mitasenai
Watashi ja nakya yurusenakatta
Dakara watashi wa kono ashi de
Tachiagarete zottoshitan da

Kaigoroshi nara sukuwareru
Demo migoto ni kagi wa hazurete
Watashi wa maru de
Torikago o hoshite iru kurutta kotori

Uso o idaita hana

Moon Flower -tsukihana-

To the stars that played with the darkness
I sang of love and burned up completely

Lighting the punishment
Scars from claws draw close to the daisy’s dream

Passed from lips to lips
Where’s that warmth going?
Even though it has no place to go

If I’m not with you, I can’t be satisfied
I wouldn’t be able to forgive you if it wasn’t me
So I stood up on my feet
And shuddered

If I get kept with you until death, then I’ll be saved
But how splendid, I’m unlocked
And I’m just like
A crazy little bird that wants the birdcage

Flowers embraced lies

Touch and see through me with cold fingers
But don’t dirty me

If I look back, I’m on a road of thorns
That a single feather burnt onto

If it’s an illusion, then I’ll love the illusion
And I can even throw it away tomorrow
Tell me a reason to fear it

If you were gone, then I wouldn’t be able to live
I chased after the dying night
Because I wanted to let you take
Everything of mine into your arms

But I’m surrounded by silence
In the boisterous room
My regulated, lowly heartbeats
Are counting Heaven’s punishments; I plugged my ears

If I’m not with you, I can’t be satisfied
I wouldn’t be able to forgive you if it wasn’t me
So I stood up on my feet
And shuddered

If I get kept with you until death, then I’ll be saved
But how splendid, I’m unlocked
And I’m just like
A crazy little bird that wants the birdcage

Flowers embraced lies

Pain

The most painful type of hurt is NOT physical. It's emotional hurt.

You don't even realize it's there at first. It builds up slowly, taking root and spreading its spores all over your heart. Then all of a sudden, all those claws clench in simultaneously and you feel the most agonizing pain. It takes you by surprise, breaking down your defenses - leaving you more vulnerable than you've ever been.

It hinders you from your daily duties, you can't work efficiently. To surrender to it would be to admit defeat, to attempt to fight it requires Herculean strength.

Over time, the pain fades - it is no longer sharp. It dims down to a low throbbing, still there - not gone completely. It is a constant reminder of your suffering, your cowardice, your hurt and what could or should have been.

If only I had it in me to make it go away.

Struggle

Everybody struggles against something. Something inside that threatens to consume them if left untethered. Sometimes, you think you have it under control. You think that you can actually survive without it, go on without it, live without it. But you're wrong. Temptation is always there, how do you fight it?

Just when you thought your life is going well, that you're leaving that hateful person you were behind - WHAM - you're back at square one. All the progress you've done means nothing once you succumb to your addiction, to your vices.

You sit there alone, awake and empty in the middle of the night. There is no one to help you, no one to hear you out, no one to comfort you. Because this demon within you is your own secret, nobody knows - and you have to deal with it yourself. But how do you fight against it? You're weak, pathetic, unworthy.

So what do you do after temptation overwhelms you? You grope your way back to the surface, slowly rebuild the life that you yearn piece by piece. The foundation is crumbling, the bricks loose, it is just stacked up poorly - an insignificant defense. Is it even worth continuing when such a facade is no match for the dark wave that is bound to wash over it, crushing all that you have built so far?

So what do you do? Do you sit there, resigned - letting the opressive wave crush you, carry you and define your life the way it wants. Or do you continue, strenghtening your building blocks each time, bracing yourself against the blow, forcing yourself for the sake of living?

What do you do?

Cherating Beach

So currently I'm chilling out at The Legend Resort's lounge at Cherating, leeching off their wi-fi. It's so relaxing here. All my murderous and violent thoughts are gone and I'm filled with an overwhelming desire for world peace and a banana split sundae. Beaches have that effect on you. I could spend infinity hours basking by the pool (away from the sun of course, sunburn is my worst enemy), letting the breeze run through my hair, breathing in the salty smell of the sea and letting myself indulge in silly daydreams. You tend to get very drowsy and lazy when exposed to the beach for too long, or maybe that's just my nature. Well, it's very close to paradise here and I can't wait to drag along a few friends for a much needed vacation here.

Trip Back To Terengganu - So Far So Good

Finally! A decent internet connection! Currently, I'm hanging out with my dad and sister at East Coast Mall's Starbucks, sipping on Toffee Nut Latte while shamelessly perusing their wi-fi for blogging purposes. I officially love my N82, now I can blog on the go, how cool is that?! Anyway, I travelled to Terengganu two days ago by bus. It was an uneventful journey but I was lucky enough to not have a passenger beside me. This means that I can sit like a trishaw rider without offending anyone, scratch myself at odd places without earning stern looks and hog the seats as much as I want. I whiled away the journey entertaining myself with vivid daydreams and music. I amused myself looking at the bizarre signboards in Kuantan too. Either the people here have a really weird sense of humour or a lack of creative juices because they came up with names such as HotMale Cafe (a cyber cafe), Tuisyen Adabi and Tuisyen Kambing. The last one had me laughing out loud! Do they educate young billy goats there or do they teach humans the way of the goat? Well, upon arrival at my home in Kemaman, I decided to do my dad some community service and bring the dogs for a walk and to satisfy the call of nature. It was terrible. X'ter the 2nd dragged me around the neighbourhood and pulled me into a puddle. I was screaming and running behind that donkey of a dog, hanging onto the leash for dear life. It didn't help that my sister was laughing her head off, I must have looked like a fool. The assault didn't stop there, Dusky stomped on my foot with his clawed paw and Ranger kept on showing me his butt. I feel so loved. The next day, we went for breakfast - fish noodle soup - one of my favourite dishes ever! It's only exclusive to seaside towns in the East Coast. It's simply delicious, hot steaming fish broth served with noodles of your choice, a plate of fish and fish crackers. Yummy! Needless to say, I've been eating a lot of fish here. One thing I've noticed is, there are so many tomyam restaurants here but fast food restaurants are a rarity. Interesting. There are also a lot of roadkill to be seen, I saw a dead cow. T_T Well, so far I'm enjoying myself. Hope to update soon. Happy Holidays everyone! ^_^

MPT6 Dinner

Something kookie is going on with my Friendster blog so I guess I'll just update the MPT6 blogpost here. We had our MPT6 Dinner yesterday, 13th of December at KGSSAAS's Pool Side. Although the attendance was poor and the party was FAR from happening, I did have fun because my closest friends were there. The theme of the night was Glamorous, therefore imagine my horrified bewilderment when I saw Varman wearing a pair of cargo pants, I was like, "What in blazes..?"

So anyway, this particular dude Varman was in for some surprises for the evening. He was supposed to be our ride for the Dinner but ditched us unceremoniously. Hence, we came up with a less than original plan to spike his drink with salt. I distracted him by pretending to ask him to get me some fruits when in fact I already had an unfinished plate on the table. Jaya dumped the whole contents of the salt shaker into his drink, leaving a lot of precipitate at the bottom. In accordance with the partition coefficient, the equilibrium between the salt and syrup has exceeded the constant of solubility causing the remaining salt to be undissolved. Zac proposed a toast, in pretense to get Varman to drink his tampered syrup. End of story, plan succeeded and we had a huge laugh. Shamu was literally choking with laughter.

The Lower Sixes had devised some methods of torture for us in the form of a treasure hunt and the much dreaded poison box game. Hmm, wait a minute, didn't we do the exact same thing for them during their orientation? Copycats! Get some originality-lah! My group which consisted of Jean, Jaya, Shamu, Seh Ming and Malik won the treasure hunt, we found nine items. We had to throw around a newspaper ball for the poison box game and honestly, the only fun part about that was the random throwing.

I got two gifts from the lucky draw and I scavenged a bowl from the treasure hunt prize. Basically, I just ended up with a lot of glassware. After the whole thing, we camwhored the night away, taking pictures with anybody and nobody. Although it was truly a boring event [come on, only one teacher attended which was Pn. Hasni - what does that tell you about how much we mean to the teachers?] it was made fun because of the company we had and the funny moments and crazy jokes throughout the night. Oh well, guess that was it for the MPT6 Dinner, just came and went. Hopefully we are able to plan a reunion event soon.

Family - Random Emo Post

I was hanging out with one of my best friends Lolly today after a shopping spree. [Yay, I've finally gotten all the things I need for my dinner, yay me! ^_^] Her dad and mom picked us up and we went shopping for paint and cement because they're renovating their house right now. We went to TTDI Jaya and a pang of dull sorrow throbbed through me as I caught sight of my school. [TTDI Jaya will always be MY school, SSAAS is just THE school - Hehe...] Anyway, this post is not about how much I miss my alma mater so I shall continue on. I hung out at Lolly's place for a while because haven't been there for oh-so-long, that place is practically my second home. Today is her parents' anniversary and a florist delivered a basket of flowers to her mother just as we were getting down from the car. [Her dad was struggling with this 50kg packet of cement but the florist who is so thin and small sized and is 62 years old just carried it selambe only - what a dude!] So yeah, went in for some tea and I actually had a good time chatting and laughing with them, I always do. I didn't realize that I was subconsciously disturbed until I reached home.

Basically, I started thinking about my own family. I admit it, I'm jealous. But not in a oh-I-want-to-wreak-havoc-on-you type of way, more of a I-want-it-too type of way. Her family is so normal and together and happy and her parents are so loving towards each other. It just made the fact that distance separates mine even more apparent. My parents are not divorced or anything, don't get me wrong. It's just that I moved here when I was in Standard Four for certain reasons and my dad stayed back in Terengganu to work. Things have just been like that ever since. Getting to see my dad is like a privilege not often to be had. But when I do see him, it's definitely one of the happiest moments of my life. Not that I'm not happy when I'm with my mom, she's awesome. Having both of them together at the same time is a phenomenal feeling.

Sometimes I wonder, if my dad was here with me all the time, maybe I wouldn't have turned out to be a juvenile delinquent when I was in secondary school. Maybe I would have been a better person, a more worthy person. It keeps bugging me, wondering what could have been. Family occasions are never complete, there's always something missing.

Maybe that's one of the reasons I love Terengganu so much, partially because of the beautiful white beaches, the scrumptious keropok lekor, the beautiful star-filled sky at night but mostly because my dad is there. Terengganu is the only place where I can ever feel like I belong in a family, it's the place where I feel happy and normal for once. Although I don't like it for a variety of reasons such as my allergy to dog hair kicks up when I'm there, it's eff-ing boring there, freaking hot or rainy most of the time, the shopping mall there is worse than PKNS, Streamyx sucks even more there etc. However, I'll endure it - no big deal.

My sister and mom left for Terengganu today, I'll be leaving myself in four days time but right now, I feel so lonely without my sister cracking lame jokes beside me. So unfair! They get to go before me... T_T
Sometimes I wonder what my dad feels, living there alone with those three humongous dogs to keep him company [Dusky, Ranger and X'Ter the 2nd]. He calls us every night through video call for about half an hour and we joke and laugh and all that. But at the same time, it's just his voice and face I'm seeing. I can't whack his round tummy or play with his balding hair [hopefully technology advances far enough to be able to allow contact through phones - right].

Well, I guess I'm feeling better now that I've blogged about it. I'm finally able to be honest with myself and let it all go. No more pretending to be okay and faking for me, I'm sick of that. Thankfully it won't be long before I join them at Terengganu, yay me! ^_^

P.S. Please do appreciate your family, no matter how annoying or pesky some of them may be. Life is short [cliche] so if you don't start appreciating them now, when will you?

P.P.S Owh gosh, look at me - I've turned into an emo-freak! Giving out advice on family bonds and ties kononnya. Okay okay back to normal already. Toodles!

T.I. - Whatever You Like

This song has been running through my mind like 24/7. I'll put it on my music player and listen to it for hours on end, it's my phone's message ringtone and I grab the Bim Bim at random moments and dance with him to this song. I love it! It's got an awesome tune although I don't get much of the lyrics. But yeah, "You can have whatever you like, you can have whatever you like, yeah~~~"

I don't in any way support the portrayal of a female in this video, it's too materialistic and gold-digger for me. It was funny though. Love it!

Some Insane Friendster Comments

I was feeling extremely bored so I decided to look through my old Friendster comments. Wow, I just remembered that I used to send a whole truckload of testimonials to Kim on a daily basis and there were some pretty funny and insane ones in between the rude ones. Here are some that I dug out.

4/11/2005 11:39 pm
Reference : My Friendster page,
Testimonial dated 9th April 2005, Saturday.
Subject : A Matter Of Confusion.
Dukacita dimaklumkan that referring to
the above matter, I would like to
question the afiirmity of your statement
in my Friendster page. I am, if not the
least, confused with your statement
which goes : I have read the testimonial
you gave me lately and *sigh, your
turning into me.
After considerable research, I have
discovered that there is no substantial
proof holding up your statement of me.
And so, I would like to call upon my
attorney, Madam Coco Pie to advise
me upon suing you regarding improper
use of language with the intention to
harm whether directly or indirectly,
emotionally, mentally or physically or
even to shatter my firm reputation as a
civilised citizen. Therefore, this letter
also serves as a summon to meet me in
the courtroom (Alam Flora, Ground
Floor, Block D, SMKTTDI Jaya) with our
respective attorneys to further discuss
this case. Fare Thee Well.

12/1/2004 8:29 pm
err... i think i scared off ur bf liao...
anyways... stare deep into the computer
screen... stare deep.. deep... ur now
feelin sleepy... sleepy.. when i count to
three.. you will be under my power and
obey my every whim and command...
one.. two.. three... good... now
standup... walk towards the kitchen ....
open the back door... turn to the left...
walk straight ahead towards the four
unsightly fat blobs in the stinky cage in
front of you... lift them up with ur
tremendous strength and bring them to
ur next door neighbours house... present
it to them as a dinner present... when i
snap my fingers.. u will 4get everything
tht has happened and u wnt rmbr that u
even owned four aliens before...
SNAP... hye kim!!! joy here... jus wanna
wish u a good day!! goodbye!!

11/18/2004 10:28 pm
IDIOSA!!!! u dare insult me in our
enemy's page...? have u lost ur mind...?
thts it.. u r now placed under
PROBATION... the probation period will
only end after you hve proved tht u
deserve the post of most respectable
vice president of OHIC... if u fail.. then i
shall knight jean instead and thou shall
be degraded to a mere juru audit... so
there

11/4/2004 8:43 pm
heres sumthin fo' u... i composed it ya
kno!!! hehe... feel honourd or sumtin
kay...

-> A Gothic Mind <-
Flakes of depression at the edge of your vision
You search for it, welcome it, cause its a unique dark fusion
The complicative and mysterious mind of a goth
Deep in thought, perceptive, demented, and so on and so forth
Its not the exception we create, its the difference we make
When we exist in this world where everyones a fake
This turbulence of emotions swirling in my subconscious
Its choking me, holding me, its making me nauseous
But what is there to do for an outcast of society
But to sit and accept and contemplate your fate and destiny...

Kay, gave u mine.. hit me back...

Damn, I'm missing those crazy moments that I had with all my besties back in secondary school. At the very least, I have these memories to give me a good laugh now and then. Love you guys! ^_^